Dr. Sam Loomis: John Carpenter's "Halloween"

Actor:           Donald Pleasance
Year:            1978
Beard Type:  Psychiatrist Beard

Welcome to the second entry of Movie Beards in which I must precede the title of the movie with "John Carpenter's" because Hollywood cannot control itself.

Some might say, "But Donald Pleasance technically had a goatee in the original Halloween. However, Malcolm McDowell had a full beard in Rob Zombie's remake. You should talk about Rob Zombie's version of Dr. Loomis." 

To that I say: Shut up, dummy. Pleasance had a full beard in Halloween 6. 

The Psychiatrist Beard greying out on Dr. Loomis' chin provides its possessor with patience and persistence. Dr. Loomis had the patience to work with a blank, pale, emotionless six-year old murderer for 15 years, the latter seven of which were spent making sure Myers was completely incarcerated. Whether Dr. Loomis had a beard during that entire 15-year period is unclear.* But it's safe to say he damn well knew he needed one just in case Myers ever escaped.

The persistence component of the Psychiatrist Beard gives Loomis the power to scream crazy shit for five Halloween films. Dr. Loomis was the warning of impending doom. He was persistent even though nobody really wanted to believe him. He was also a sign of hope -- a slightly nutty, yet well-spoken and likeable character who wanted to make sure nobody in Haddonfield was hurt.

John Carpenter's Halloween still stands as one of the greatest and most effective horror films of all time. It also contains one of the most important moral lessons you will ever learn. Always trust a man with a beard. Always.


*Sorry Rob Zombie. Nobody likes your movie.

Martin: "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives"

Actor:           Bob Larkin
Year:            1986
Beard Type:  Gravedigger Beard

By the mid-1980s, the Friday the 13th series was no longer being taken seriously. Paramount had ended the series in 1984 with Part IV: The Final Chapter. However, they quickly realized they had a dead cash cow on their hands, so they resurrected it the following year with A New Beginning. Tom McLoughlin was given writing and directing duties for the sixth film and realized that the series had gone so far off the deep end that he may as well just have fun with the character of Jason Voorhees. So he injected some humor on top of his Universal and Hammer Studios influences and created the most enteraining film of the series. 

Though it had some legitimate horror elements, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives is mostly viewed as a goofy slasher black comedy, thanks in part to Martin and his Gravedigger Beard. Martin is a rare duck in the 12-film Friday the 13th franchise. Not only is he one of the very few to sport a beard, he is the only character to actually break the fourth wall*. 



While unknowingly burying Horshack in Jason's open grave, Martin blatantly looks into the lens and tells the audience: "Some folks have a strange idea of entertainment." It's that glaring moment of self-awareness that makes Jason Lives and Martin the Gravedigger such fundamental components of the entertainment value found in Friday the 13th. That's the power of the beard, folks.


*Whether or not Freddy Krueger breaks the fourth wall in Freddy vs. Jason is debatable. It's more of a Nightmare on Elm Street movie anyway.

Hans Gruber: "Die Hard"

Actor:           Alan Rickman
Year:            1988
Beard Type:  Villain Beard

Like a true American citizen, you watch Die Hard every Christmas. Once the Christmas crap hits the shelves in August, you eagerly anticipate the arrival of a fictional bearded man. That man is none other than ex-Volksfry super-villain Hans Gruber.

Gruber leads a group of terrorists into the Los Angeles office building of the Nakatomi Corporation. He uses the power of the Villain Beard to execute a well-planned operation that includes taking an entire Christmas party hostage while his tech-savvy friends snatch $640 million in bearer bonds from the vaults. However, Gruber and his Villain Beard lacked a contingency strategy for NYPD cop John McClane, who is sneaking around the building and chatting over walkie-talkie with his new best friend, the eternal Carl Winslow. 

Hans Gruber simply defines the Villain Beard. Hell, it may as well be called the Gruber Beard. His beard is as streamlined and precise as his terrorist operation. To continue with this simile, I must now compare John McClane to a razor. So John McClane's quick action and slick wit is as sharp and effective as a Gillette Mach 5.

Hans Gruber dies hard at the end of Die Hard, much like the villain of practically every action movie. However, that does not detract from his mighty Villain Beard in any way. Gruber's beard emits such authoritative power that he gives orders to Vigo the Carpathian who, as you may recall, almost succeeded in destroying the world on December 31, 1989. That's the power of the beard folks.

Rocky Balboa: "Rocky IV"

Actor:           Sylvester Stallone
Year:            1985
Beard Type:  Montage Beard, Nature Beard

To most, Rocky IV is the movie in which Sylvester Stallone gets in a boxing match with He-Man to promote world peace.  It's also known as the Rocky film in which he buys a robot and grows a beard.

The basic premise of the movie finds the Italian Stallion fighting in Russia to defend the death of his nemesis/friend/beach montage buddy Apollo Creed, who so happens to be the fourth man to step foot on Earth's moon. Creed fell victim (aka died) to a devastating beating from Ivan Drago, a Russian super-fighter designed in a laboratory specifically to break you. Rocky must montage his way to victory by outrunning cars, chopping logs, climbing mountains, and growing the Montage Beard.

The Montage Beard is a powerful, yet, rarely used tool in the sports and action films of the 1980s. In Rocky IV, the Montage Beard indirectly represents the duration of time. It gives the audience an insight as to how long Rocky has been in that cabin. He hasn't been punching underneath taut ropes and lifting nets of rocks with a pulley for just a couple of days. Depending on the rate of growth, Rocky has been training for weeks, or at least long enough to grow a healthy Montage Beard. Bear in mind, Rocky has been growing this beard over the duration of two training montages (there are three montages in the film). It also doubles as a Nature Beard so his face could fight something (winter), too.

You want to know the primary advantage of the Montage Beard? Compare Rocky's physique throughout the entire series. He's pretty ripped by the time he body slams Hulk Hogan in the third film, but he manages to obtain a negative body fat percentage in Rocky IV. That's right. Sylvester Stallone got in the best shape of his life simply by growing a beard. That's the power of the beard, folks.

Dr. Leo Marvin: "What About Bob?"

Actor:           Richard Dreyfuss
Year:            1991
Beard Type:  Business Beard

Look at that beard. This is the type of beard that belongs to the man with the best lawn in your suburban community. In this case, it belongs to Dr. Leo Marvin, a successful psychiatrist and author of the new book Baby Steps.  Underneath that beard is a man that has the answer to all of life's problems. Then Bill Murray happens hard. Murray's character Bob Wiley is a recluse that becomes obsessed with Doctor Marvin's book and decides he needs to spend every waking hour with the Marvin family during their vacation. Marvin has a beard groomed to perfection, which further reflects his perception of his own family life. Bob's behavior reduces the egotistical perfectionist into a boiling pot of murderous rage. Doctor Marvin may be a broken man by the end, but the beard remains unfazed. It was the one thing that Bob could not destroy in Marvin's life. That's the power of the beard, folks.

R.J. MacReady: John Carpenter's "The Thing"

Actor:          Kurt Russell
Year:           1982
Beard Type: Nature Beard, Scientist Beard

R.J. MacReady, a helicopter pilot with a penchant for J&B, is part of a group of Americans in a scientific expedition in Antarctica, located at the United States National Science Institute, Station 4.  He may not be the best Chess Wizard player, but he has a hell of a beard. In fact, MacReady's beard puts the rest of the beards of Outpost #31 to shame. He has simply grown a better beard in these harsh conditions. He is the Alpha Beard. 

MacReady's beard works two-fold. As a Nature Beard, he is able to withstand the bitter winter wind ("First goddamn week of winter"). As a Scientist Beard, he is given the power of rational thought. When trust is at a premium within his camp, MacReady resorts to the scientific method:

Question: Who is infected?

Research: "Blood from one of you things...will try to survive...run from a hot needle."

Hypothesis: Touching a hot wire to a blood sample will reveal those infected.

Experiment: Acquire blood samples from each human and subject it to a hot wire.

Result: Palmer's blood jumps from the petri dish in the presence of the hot wire. Palmer transforms into an alien creature and proceeds to eat Windows' face.

HYPOTHESIS = TRUE

MacReady is a man that gets things done. He is also stubborn and not afraid to drown a cheatin'-bitch computer with scotch whisky.  Most of all, he is resilient. He and Childs (Keith David) survive and find themselves in a heavily debated final confrontation. As Childs and MacReady ponder who is what over a bottle of liquor, they also accept that they will soon freeze to death in the dwindling heat from the Blair-monster explosion. But we all know that MacReady will be the last man standing. He has a beard. Childs does not. That's the power of the beard, folks.

Welcome to Movie Beards!

Movie Beards simply celebrates beards in film.  Each post will highlight a beard located upon the face of a film character.  Beards will be categorized by type and briefly discussed in terms of purpose to the character or story.

Sorry. No moustaches.


Let's celebrate the power of the beard in cinema!