Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Hans Gruber: "Die Hard"

Actor:           Alan Rickman
Year:            1988
Beard Type:  Villain Beard

Like a true American citizen, you watch Die Hard every Christmas. Once the Christmas crap hits the shelves in August, you eagerly anticipate the arrival of a fictional bearded man. That man is none other than ex-Volksfry super-villain Hans Gruber.

Gruber leads a group of terrorists into the Los Angeles office building of the Nakatomi Corporation. He uses the power of the Villain Beard to execute a well-planned operation that includes taking an entire Christmas party hostage while his tech-savvy friends snatch $640 million in bearer bonds from the vaults. However, Gruber and his Villain Beard lacked a contingency strategy for NYPD cop John McClane, who is sneaking around the building and chatting over walkie-talkie with his new best friend, the eternal Carl Winslow. 

Hans Gruber simply defines the Villain Beard. Hell, it may as well be called the Gruber Beard. His beard is as streamlined and precise as his terrorist operation. To continue with this simile, I must now compare John McClane to a razor. So John McClane's quick action and slick wit is as sharp and effective as a Gillette Mach 5.

Hans Gruber dies hard at the end of Die Hard, much like the villain of practically every action movie. However, that does not detract from his mighty Villain Beard in any way. Gruber's beard emits such authoritative power that he gives orders to Vigo the Carpathian who, as you may recall, almost succeeded in destroying the world on December 31, 1989. That's the power of the beard folks.

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