Wednesday, May 22, 2013
General Zod: "Superman 2"
Actor: Terence Stamp
Beard Type: Villain Beard
Did you know that Superman is returning this year? You did? That's cool. Well, if you told me that Superman already returned in a movie called Superman Returns a few years back, I'm not going to know what the hell you're talking about because such a movie does not exist. I even asked Brandon Routh about it once. He just frowned real hard and walked away, so I'm assuming he's just sad that the movie was never made. I do recall a bald Kevin Spacey yelling "WRONG" in some memes here and there, but I'm pretty sure that was a screenshot from the new Star Trek Away from Brightness movie where he plays Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Right? Wait, is my internet fucked up?
Where was I? Oh yes. Beards. General Zod had a really awesome Villain Beard. And I'm not talking about Michael "Cunt Punt" Shannon as the next Nolan-ized Zod. He'll be yelling his way into our hearts soon enough. No, I'm talking about the General Zod from the Richard Donner Universe of Superman films -- or what I call the Donnerverse.
Our first introduction to Zod in the Donnerverse takes place in the opening scene of Superman, during which Jor-El (a not-yet-obese Marlon Brando) sends Zod flying through space inside a piece of glass as his punishment for attempting to establish a new order amongst the people of Krypton. Now if I were one to make puns, which I AM, then I would say it was because Zod was being a pane in the glass. Luckily for Zod and his two cohorts Ursa and fellow bearded baddie Non, the missile that Superman sent into space from the first film explodes in their vicinity, shattering their glass prison and, thus, allowing them to float through space and have the time of their lives, in the least Green Day way possible.
Villain Beards can take many a shape. Whether it be the well-defined and streamlined Hans Gruber beard or the crazy sprouts hanging from Ming the Merciless's face, a Villain Beard will always possess the powers of absolute deviance. Though we discover that the atmosphere of a single yellow sun changes the molecular density of Zod's beard and gives him unlimited strength, this is not the power from which his beard thrives. The true power of Zod's Villain Beard is its ability to reject rehibilitation from deviant activity and its refusal to allow Zod to become a model Kryptonian citizen. Sure, the Earth's sun gives him super powers, but the power of the Villain Beard got him there in the first place.
Unlike your usual movie villain, Zod doesn't have a general plan or scheme in place. But once he lands on Earth and realizes he's the greatest thing since Red Lobster cheddar biscuits, he discovers the true capabilities of his Villain Beard. Zod, Non, and Ursa stroll around Earth without a single flying fuck. Snakes? Let them bite you, then light them on fire with laser vision. Cops? Steal their shotgun, then shoot yourself with it. Washington Monument? Get the fuck outta here and fall over already. The President? Kick him out of the oval office and make him go on live TV to whine about it. These guys are the Punks of Krypton -- three banished criminals that have no one to answer to but themselves. And they owe it all to the rebellious qualities of Zod's Villain Beard. As Ursa states, "General Zod does not take orders. He gives them."
Just like Jesus H. Christ, Zod has his loyal disciples. And just like Jesus H. Christ, Zod uses the power of the beard to walk on water.
Actually, he seems to like that pose quite a bit.
NOTE: This was also the film in which Lois Lane uses her fucking eyeballs for once and realizes that not only does she want to see Superman's penis, but she also wants to see Clark Kent's penis, because it's the same penis. I guess Lois was finally tired of Margot Kidding herself. OHHHH!