Monday, July 16, 2012

Dr. Jason Woodrue: "Batman & Robin"

 

BATMAN MONTH: JULY 2012
BATMAN BEARD COUNT: 22
 
Actor:           John Glover 
Year:            1997
Beard Type:  Scientist Beard

Welcome to the first beard from the movie that I like to call Batman & Robin & the Kitchen Sink: Three Heroes, Three Villains, and a Dying Butler. I'm assuming this movie was written on Bring Your Son or Daughter to Work Day at the Warner Bros. offices. Joel Schumacher was placed on a throne in the middle of the writing room while each child lined up as if waiting to speak to Santa Claus. Joel plopped each eager child onto his knee one at a time and asked, "What would you like to see in my next Batman movie? Giant fluffy gorilla suits? Okay, princess. You got it."

Then everybody took ecstasy and went swimming in a giant Scrooge McDuck cocaine vault. They woke up just in time to walk the red carpet at the premiere. Fun times.

Dr. Jason Woodrue was actually a villain back in some of the DC comics of the 60s and 70s. He was better known as Floronic Man, an exile from the interdimensional planet of Floria who used his advanced botanical skills for world domination. He may or may not have been responsible for Stephen King getting covered in meteor shit in Creepshow.

The "writers" of Batman & Robin were in a bind. They already had three villains at this point, including Bane, who spent most of the running time dressed up like an incognito Ninja Turtle. So, of course, it made more sense to just write Dr. Woodrue as a random mad scientist with the power of the SCIENTIST BEARD. 

Dun DUN DUUUUUNNNN...

Dr. Woodrue uses the power of the Scientist Beard to spout cliche crazy science shit, create Bane and Poison Ivy, make a lot of money, and die within about 5 minutes. Talk about productivity. He meets his unfortunate demise by the business end of Poison Ivy's venomous smooch, the results of which leave your tongue looking like you've sucked on three or four consecutive green apple Jolly Ranchers.

Almost every insult ever conceived by the human brain can be thrown in Batman & Robin's direction. Objectively, it's a truly awful film. In addition, Dr. Woodrue was a failed opportunity to bring a true Nature Beard into the Batman films at this point. Fortunately, Christopher Nolan will come to the rescue soon enough.

John Glover also played Lionel Luther in Smallville and Edward Nygma/The Riddler in The New Batman Adventures TV series. If that confuses you, it's best not to think of the resumes of Chris Evans or Ryan Reynolds.



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