Thursday, July 5, 2012

Commodore Schmidlapp: "Batman: the Movie"


Actor:           Reginald Denny
Year:            1966
Beard Type:  Captain Beard, Scientist Beard

Here we have it, folks. The driving force behind Batman: The Movie is a dude with a beard. The beard of Commodore Schmidlapp acts as 1) a Captain Beard when he wants to sail around in his fancy-ass yacht, and as 2) a Scientist Beard when he wants to invent a fancy-ass device that dehydrates human beings into various flavors of Fun Dip. He's smart enough to invent stupid shit that nobody needs, yet dumb enough to make the theft of such a powerful device as easy as possible. Commodore Schmidlapp cares not for such trifles. He'd much rather drink tea and catch up on his Dickens.

Scientist Beards do not always imply common sense.

Much like Stathis Borans in The Fly, the Captain Beard/Scientist Beard of Commodore Schmidlapp governs major plot points of the entire movie. However, unlike Stathis, Schmidlapp uses the power of his beard to continuously fuck everything up. Here are four examples:
1. His kidnapping by The Joker, Penguin, Catwoman, and Riddler leads to Batman being attacked by a shark. Hence, Schmidlapp is responsible for the internet's fascination with Batman's Shark Repellent.

2. The theft of his dehydration device leads to the dehydration and kidnapping of the United World Organization's Security Council by The Joker & Co., which endangers the maintenance of international peace and stability.
3. The Penguin uses Schmidlapp's likeness to infiltrate the Bat Cave, though Batman and Robin knew it was the Penguin all along. They just wanted a chance to interrogate him. The Penguin used this opportunity to rehydrate a bunch of dehydrated pirates inside the Bat Cave, but Batman and Robin literally kicked them out of the universe.
4. His two left feet and his inability to cover his fucking mouth when he sneezes leads to the irreversible cross-contamination of the powdered, dehydrated remains of the most powerful people on the planet.
If nothing else, Schmidlapp's ability to fuck everything up further proves just how great of a scientist Batman really is. Sure, Schmidlapp created the world's first dehydrator (which is not unlike the microwave emitter used in Batman Begins, by the way), but he can't correctly rehydrate dustpans full of mixed human powder for shit. Batman can! He even invents a Super Molecular Dust Separator to do so! And he doesn't even have a beard with which to accomplish such feats! Well okay, maybe Batman didn't get the right languages coming out of the right face holes, but whatever. Let's see you try separating a mixture of dehydrated human remains. Go ahead. Try it, smart guy. That's what I thought.

Movie Beards lesson of the day: If you grow a Scientist Beard, make sure you use it correctly, or else Batman will show you how stupid you are in front of everybody.

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